Will
"I will choose the Church over you every time."
These were the first words I heard from my Dad when I told him I was coming out. My worst fears had come true.
I had waited almost 33 years to tell my parents that I was gay. I'd always feared that if they knew my secret they wouldn't accept me. I knew how strong their convictions to our church were. I knew the importance that the Gospel played in our family with daily scripture study, family prayers, and weekly family home evenings. And I was reminded that the scriptures made it very clear that children were to obey their fathers and mothers, and we should always listen to our parents.
I also knew that my parents didn't like gay people. They had made their disdain clear during my childhood when there were gay people on TV. Or this one time when we saw two men holding hands on a vacation to San Francisco, and my dad said he wanted to "bash their brains in."
So at the age of 12 when I first realized I was attracted to my same sex, I knew I needed a plan to keep my parents loving me. To not become the horrible person they had portrayed in my childhood, but instead to be the Child of God I was expected to be. I knew that complete focus on the Church would keep their praises high and continue to make me feel like I was a loved part of our family.
So I was a good boy. The very best. I was Deacons, Teachers, and Priests quorum president. Was called as Seminary President at my high school. Went to BYU. Was an AP on my mission. Taught at the MTC. Magnified my callings. Always smiling. Never showing anything but joy.
But that nagging desire to find romantic love and acceptance was also strong. So strong that it often put me into depression. And the only people I really trusted with my life, my parents, couldn't be trusted with my deepest secret.
One day I couldn't hold it any longer. I'd lasted into my early 30s as a single LDS man. But I was alone. And I couldn't bear the loneliness any longer.
So I came out. And I told my parents. And my dad said the Church didn't support my lifestyle. And he told me the Church was more important to him than his own son.
And there we were. At an impasse. For many years following my coming out I chose to stay away from them. I met an amazing person to spend the rest of my life with. And he and I were truly happy together, but my life was still incomplete because my parents didn't accept me. And as much as my parents said they loved me, I knew they loved what they wanted me to be, not what I was.
And that is where I'd accepted my story would end.
But then three years ago a change happened. It happened because members of the Church started talking about their gay and SSA children, and brothers, and sisters. Church leaders started speaking about it. What was once hidden in the dark was brought into the light.
And that's what my parents needed. To see Church leaders willing to have a conversation about SSA and gay members. Finally in my parents' minds they were given permission by the Church to love all of me. And my husband. To choose me AND the Church.
And this year at Christmas for the first time, my husband Steve and I opened OUR gift from my parents, with a card that said, "We love you."