JT
Mormonism is the spiritual language I speak. Growing up, the LDS Church was my main source of happiness and friends. I come from a big Mormon family with pioneer heritage. I graduated from early morning seminary. I am a BYU graduate and served an honorable full-time mission. After college, I became a physician in the United States Uniformed Services.
Through college, I had convinced myself that if I just kept dating girls, I would find the right one and things would click. If I just prayed more and tried harder, maybe I could find a woman and fit into the plan of salvation I had taught to so many. Though I had homosexual feelings from a young age, the Church taught me that this was an illness, a temptation, a phase. I fervently prayed to change. I spent decades in denial, getting to the point where I no longer wanted to socialize because I couldn’t be myself with my friends or family. I became numb. I didn’t want to be “gay.” I couldn’t even say that word. The Church that was once my haven became a source of pain.
In my numbness, I was working in an Intensive Care Unit, watching many patients at the end of their lives. Some of them had families and loved ones by their sides when they passed, reflecting on a legacy of love. Others died alone in dark rooms; no one cared. Watching this day in and day out broke down my walls of denial. I knew that I would die sad and alone if I did not choose to be honest with myself.
Since coming out, my life has been so much better. For those true friends who really knew and loved me before, not much changed. I have met so many incredible people—in and out of the LDS Church—who mentor, challenge, and edify me. I am inspired by those who seek to understand others’ experiences and are willing to modify their opinions. Now, I have the freedom to live honestly. My life is vibrant again. I look forward to a bright future.
At the moment, the message to LGBT church members is confusing and contradictory. It is full of politics and fear, not love. The lack of inclusion drives many gifted, deeply spiritual people away. I hope there is a time in the future where LGBT people—and all people who don’t fit the mainstream—can find themselves welcome in the Mormon church. Jesus finds room for everyone and loves unconditionally.